An Intro To Irish Renting Ad Lingo

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NEW TO the Irish rental market and unsure of the terminology you come across when browsing the dozens of property rental sites in Ireland? Look no further than this indispensable primer for common phrases and what the mean:

“Hartigan Estate Agents is proud to present…” – the balls on this crowd.

“Spacious” – small, cramped.

“By appointment only” – easier to reject your request when you’ve formerly identified yourself as having a foreign sounding name in an email or text.

“5 minutes from the Luas” – a long journey akin to Jesus’s 40 days and nights in the desert.

“New build” – the repeatedly flagged fire safety issues could help you make the front page of newspapers after a fire.

“Bespoke furnishings” – same cheap shit everyone buys in Ikea.

“Bright interiors” – you have to light a flare after 4pm to see anything.

“Newly refurbished” – last saw a lick of paint when Pope John II visited Ireland

“Studio apartment” – the mattress is placed over the top of a bathtub, the plug-in electric heater doubles as your grill. The front door is a window that never shuts.

“Reference required” – from you of course, what, you didn’t think a landlord should give you a reference from a previous tenant? Jesus, then how would they ever find some gullible fool to rent this shit hole?

“One month’s deposit up front” – you’re not getting that back.

“Is sure to go quick” – that’s right loser, we hold all the cards in this godforsaken nightmare they call the ‘renting in Ireland’.

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