Tory Government To Privatise Royal Family

IN THE latest bid to distract people from whatever horrible policy they are trying to implement today, the Rishi Sunak led Tory government has announced its decision to privatise the British royal family.

“If you want a wave from Kate Middleton you’ll fucking pay for it from now on,” confirmed PM Sunak, who was careful to stress that none of the revenue derived from the new venture would go directly to the state coffers, rather a US hedge fund his wife has a very loose, barely even a connection connection to.

“In order to turn Britain in the lean, mean and agile economy of the future, we must explore all revenue generating options,” added Sunak, who confirmed that if the idea was met with significant hostility he reserved to right to say he hated it too and that it was actually Keir Starmer who suggested it.

For too long people have been able to walk around on royal estates and admire Buckingham Palace, but this privatisation will see anyone staring at a palace, gold carriage or Beefeaters charged for the privilege.

“And whatever company purchases the royal family will of course receive huge government support, subsidies and tax breaks until such a time as they need a bailout and then and only then will a Tory government cut essential programmes for deprived families to cover their costs for them,” added Sunak.

“Is this the sort of decision that would enrage our core voters? Yes. Is anyone going to be talking about me not handing over WhatsApp messages to the Covid inquiry or cancelling a high speed rail project? No”.