Lollipop Lady Turf War Claims 18th Victim

GARDAÍ have appealed for all guns and machetes to be surrendered that are currently held in the possession of anyone involved in the ongoing lollipop lady turf war currently plaguing Waterford, WWN understands.

Lollipop lady territory is fiercely fought over, with pensioners who hold many of the positions willing to protect their patch with any violent means necessary.

“We get that helping children cross the street outside St Bina’s Primary is something you take seriously, but the killing must stop,” urged a garda spokesperson, speaking on a dispute which began after one lollipop lady delayed her retirement despite promising her patch to someone else.

The crime scene of the latest death is among the worst encountered by gardaí who confirmed dueling lollipop ladies fought using their lollipops for 30 minutes.

“It’s the glamour of the outfit; the power that courses through your veins, and the money at stake. We’re talking 30 euro an hour in some areas. Who’d want to give that up?” explained a criminal psychologist.

“If they were fighting over their turf because they were also selling drugs there, something could be worked out, but it’s not it’s the pure pride and prestige that comes with stopping mothers driving Range Rovers during peak morning traffic – you can’t talk anyone down from that adrenaline rush,” added the garda spokepserson.