Here’s A List Of Gods To Pray To Ahead Of The France & Netherlands Games


TWO HUGE matches which could seal Ireland’s Euro 2024 fate if they come out the games empty-handed, with France and Netherlands our next opponents, the nation can’t leave anything to chance or Stephen Kenny’s tactics.

We must invoke the power of prayer. Widely known as a Catholic nation, Ireland can’t just leave it up to ‘God’ God, time to run through the contact list and pray to all Gods is here.

Who should you be praying too? This list is a good start:

NOTE: blood sacrifices may be necessary to achieve at least a draw against France.

Evan Ferguson

Already worshiped like a God in Ireland, you could pray directly to the Brighton forward and beg him to heal himself in time for kick-off in the France game.


Perhaps the God of thunder could cause a lightning storm in Paris and get this evening’s game cancelled. If Zeus isn’t picking up The Mighty Thor, God of Thunder, Master of the Storm and Lightning might be worth a shout.


The Gun ‘n Roses guitarist is a bonafide Rock God. Does it count? Can he answer prays? Fuck knows but it can’t hurt when your nation is playing France and Netherlands in a span of a few days.


The big man himself, the sensible choice for all your ‘please, please, please don’t let Mbappé score a double-hattrick against us in the first half’ requests.


Hindi God known as ‘The Destroyer’ which is a great start. With enough desperate pleasing Shiva could be persuaded to give the Dutch team a flat tyre, or at the very least have them mugged in Temple Bar.


Sticking with Hinduism Brahma is “the Creator” within the Trimurti, could Brahma create a few clone of prime Roy Keane, Paul McGrath and Liam Brady? Well, Brahma definitely won’t if you don’t politely ask in the first place.


Egyptian god of funerary rites, protector of graves, and guide to the underworld. With all that power he can surely protect our defence and make a referee miss a stray elbow or two from the Irish team.

Tom Jones

Our research is sketchy. Technically the Welsh singer is a Sex Bomb but his status as a sex god is unclear. Look, worst case scenario you’re locked into a cosmic prayer with Tom Jones!