“Climate Breakdown Has Begun” Claims Drama Queen


U.N SECRETARY General and all-round drama queen Antonio Guterres stated ‘our planet has just endured a season of simmering – the hottest summer on record. Climate breakdown has begun’ in a wee bit of an overreaction.

Citing the release of data by the World Meteorological Organisation which revealed Earth has experienced the hottest three-month period on record, Guterres was told be ‘calm down’ while others insisted it was just a case of ‘his nerves being at him, he’s always like this’.

“Ah relax we always get pure lovely Septembers,” reassured one Irish person, when it was pointed out that the US has suffered just shy of 20 individual billion-dollar disasters so far this year, including wildfires, floods, heatwaves and storms.

“Who’s a panicking Polly, sure wasn’t it lashing here all July, couldn’t move for rain but the planet’s never been hotter? Does U.N stand for Unusually Nervous?” offered another local who will be evacuated from their summer holidays next year due to wildfires.

Guterres is once again pleading with world leaders to act now and increase emission-curbing targets so that future climate disasters can be averted.

“Someone’s got his knickers in a twist,” confirmed another person, having already forgotten that the earthquake in Turkey and Syria affected 15 million people, destroyed over 300,000 apartments and killed 50,000 people.

Elsewhere, one wise local told Guterres the key to achieving a huge reduction in carbon emissions overnight is ‘racism’. “Just tell everyone if we don’t avert climate breakdown now, climate disaster refugees will end up in your local town, simple” confirmed the man.