Life Advice To Share With The Woman Crying Next To You In Nightclub Toilets


YOU’RE five cocktails in and in the middle of giving Niagara falls a run for its money when you hear the faint tremble of anguished blubbering in the cubicle next to you.

As a card carrying member of the women lifting other women up supporters club you can’t stand idly by. Now is the time to help administer the mother of all pep talks and turn someone’s night if not their entire life around for the better, even if you’re the last person who should be giving advice considering you went out despite having €18.50 left in your current account:

“I’ve been there love, but those snakes laughing at you now – mark my words, you’re going to crush their bones and grind them into a fine paste. You’ll bathe in their blood… if that’s like, your thing”.

“Love, locking yourself in the shitter isn’t the answer. I can’t see you, but I can tell from your sobbing alone you have the poise of Beyoncé, no one can hold a candle to you, Dua Lipa looks like a bag of shite compared to you. Achieve, believe, c’mon ‘This Barbie Is Going To Pull Herself Together!'”

“What’s his fucking name, we’ll get him up here on Instagram and catfish him. I’ll drain his bank account, I’ll get him to send me a dick pic and we’ll send it to his mam. I’ll have him fired before your done flushing. I’ll sleep with his Da, whatever it takes to avenge you!”

“Babe, for real, I tell by the way you’re ugly crying and having a mental breakdown in public over something probably minor I can tell we’re kindred spirits… shots?”

“Don’t give up on your dreams, stalk them, chase them like Michael Myers chases Jamie Lee Curtis!”

“He’s not worth it. You’re a goddess, the earth revolves around you, d’ya here me? Wars will be fought over you, and him? He couldn’t get a ride in the red light district, head on him like a horror movie. You are the first blossoming of spring, you are beauty unconfined. You have the strength of your female ancestors coursing through your veins…oh it’s just a bit of bad constipation? Sorry, I’ll leave you to it.”