Local Man Going Through Whole-Life Crisis

FINALLY diagnosed after 44 years, local man Tommy Rotchford breathed a sigh of relief today after being diagnosed with what doctors are calling a ‘whole-life-crisis’, WWN has learned.

After spending decades wondering why nothing ever goes his way, Rotchford said he now accepts his condition and can hopefully move on with his train wreck of a life.

“All I needed was someone to confirm that yes, I was doomed from the second the doctors used a forceps to rip me from my mother’s womb,” the son-of-two said, “if it’s not health issues, it’s relationship issues; I never have money and seem to be always trying to recuperate from one set-back after another – finally I realise now that I’m going through a whole-life-crisis”.

Much like a midlife crisis when a person of middle-age begins to question the things that they have accomplished or achieved and whether those same things still provide a sense of fulfillment and meaning, a whole-life-crisis is a constant period in one’s life where they realise this entire shitshow is one big uphill struggle laden with obstacles designed to rip every fibre of your soul into a million tiny pieces so that by the end of it you’re left with nothing but hate and contempt for your fellow man and planet.

“Yup, that’s me alright,” Rotchford proudly took the news, “fucking nailed it”.

Since his diagnosis, the Waterford man has reported a new lease of life after realising that once you’re at the very bottom, there is only one way left to go.