Here’s What The €10mn In Extra Garda Funding For Dublin Will Be Spent On

ON THE surface the €10mn fund for gardaí in Dublin announced by Minister for Justice Helen McEntee looks like it will be spent on overtime to add to the overtime already being paid to overwork already overworked personnel to make it look like the country’s police force has adequate numbers.

However, after WWN did some digging it appears the taxpayer is getting much more bang for its buck including:

Better hold music for when no one answers your desperate 112 call for help.

Automated speakers in crime hot spots which sound off with warnings of ‘Ah, I wouldn’t chance it’ and ‘Come away outta there like a good man’ if American tourists are detected trying to enter the area.

€9.9mn of the money allocated will be spent on a PR blitz highlighting how the government has provided €10mn in funding.

80 more Gardaí to stand on a placid Grafton St at 2pm on a Saturday.

Two-way translation service so culchie guards and inner city residents can be understood by one another.

More plain clothes gardaí to make it look like Helen McEntee is walking in Dublin on her own.

A new calculator that makes not hiring enough new guards to make up for the shortfall caused by retirements and resignations ‘an increase’.

Deploy all extra guards to traffic corp to catch people speeding home from work.

Money will go to experimental surgeries which will try to fit out of shape guards into tracksuit so they can go under cover as Canada Goose wearing youths.

Any additional rise in purchases of snack boxes will be purely coincidental.