Hitler’s Handgun, Strap-On; All The Items Not Taken From The National Party Safe
FOLLOWING news that an estimated €400,000 in gold bars were allegedly stolen from the National Party vault this week – a party with no elected officials and just tens of voters in the last election – WWN investigates the other contents left behind in party leader Justin Barrett’s safe.
Despite never submitting details of the gold to the Standards in Public Office Commission (SIPO), not that SIPO has any powers to act anyway, we were unsurprised to find an old WWII pistol with a note attached claiming it was the same weapon Hitler used to kill himself, before finding a receipt from Wish for €3.99 for the replica.
Inside was also a large black strap on (still warm) and what seemed to be a very used VHS tape labelled ‘Rock Hard 1916 Rising: Padraig Pearsed In Black & Tan Gang Bang’. A sticker over the corner said ‘Rebecca, please do not tape over’ and ‘remember to clean big bubba after use’.
Also found were several books, including ‘A Dictator Guide For Dummies’, ‘How To Pretend You’re Catholic Despite Divorcing Your Wife’, a wine stained copy of ‘Quit Drinking by Allen Carr’, a very dogeared copy of ‘Woman In The Making by Panti Bliss’ and several leaflets for cosmetic height lengthening surgery.
A bloodied set of bandages were also discovered, presumably worn around Mr. Barrett’s knuckles as he dragged them through the most deprived areas of the country in the hopes of securing votes tax-free donations from vulnerable people.
A large map of Ireland’s libraries was also found with many circled and a post-it note saying ‘just get my idiot followers to attack them down for me’.
Several love letters from former NP member Philip Dwyer were also found along with a human sized studded leather dog lead and over-sized gimp suit with an embroidered lettering, ‘my little bitch’.
Despite constantly requesting donations online from his cash-strapped followers who regularly take to the streets saying they’re broke, zero invoices were found for any donations, again, not a SIPO breach it can act on.