Taylor Swift Fan Better Get A Ticket Or Some Fucker Is Getting Cut


LONG-TIME Taylor Swift fan Teresa Higgins has warned Ticketmaster and potential touts that some fucker is going to get carved up real nice if she fails to secure a ticket tomorrow morning for her idol’s concert in Dublin, WWN has learned.

Already logged into Ticketmaster this afternoon despite being 16 hours early ‘on the off-chance there’s a glitch’, the knife-wielding 26-year-old said she has no problem doing life in prison if it comes to it.

“Some fucker is getting cut if this doesn’t work out,” Higgins promised, her eyes now dilated with anxiety and knuckles white from gripping the kitchen blade she was carrying, “see if any of those scumbag touts try one, I’ll be waiting outside their door some night to flay them”.

Already facing a lifetime of debt after purchasing a one-bed hotel room in Dublin, Higgins said she will stop at nothing to attend the event next year.

“Myself and my husband were going to try for a baby later in the year and that’s now parked,” she explained, “looks like we’re going to have to stay living with his folks another few years too if we want to continue to save for a house deposit – it will be all worth it once I attend this concert and solidify myself as Taylor’s number one fan”.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for event site Ticketmaster has said “may God have mercy on us all” as it heightened security and barricaded its office in Dublin ahead of what is expected to be a wave of irate Swift fans out for blood.