5 Mistakes Everyone Makes When Trying To Dispose Of A Dead Body

AS any law enforcement personnel or legal professional will tell it’s not the murdering that’s the problem, it’s the getting caught.

Common mistakes scupper dozens of new and serial killers every year. If you’re looking to avoid a prison sentence, this guide is for you:

1) Don’t use your phone to type ‘how to dispose of a dead body’. That’s how idiots get caught.

Instead type ‘how to dispose of a beloved pet’ and ‘is the decomposition rate of a dog the same as a human’. Clever and subtle.

2) Padding out the black sack with whoopee cushions.

The urge to present the body in the sack in such a way that it doesn’t look immediately recognisable and arouse the suspicion of your neighbours or passersby is commendable but c’mon.

3) Wicklow mountains.

You can’t move for bodies there. Entice several seagulls with yesterday’s bread and capture them. Once you’ve tied them together to form some sort of Mega Seagull, you can train them to carry the body and fly out to sea where they will dispose of it.

4) Boasting or confessing after a few pints.

What’s less suspicious than someone who collapses in tears after getting drunk and confesses to a horrendous crime? Correct, someone who talks of nothing but murder, you’ll start to sound like the boy who cried wolf and people won’t believe you – it’s the perfect cover.

5) Chemicals are you friend.

Dissolving a body ensures you leave no trace but you don’t want to arouse suspicions in your shops by asking for large volumes of sulfuric acid so make sure to tell the retail assistant not to tell the guards you’ll be using to get rid of a body.