“Maybe Giving Money To Alleged Sex-Trafficker Putting Advertisers Off Twitter,” Ponders Musk
BEGINNING to question his undisputed genius for the first time in his life, Twitter owner Elon Musk pondered whether paying alleged sex trafficker Andrew Tate $20,000 as part of Twitter’s new creator plan might be the sort of behaviour which puts off big brands and has contributed to the company experiencing a 50% drop in advertising revenue.
“No, surely going out of my way to handpick an alleged sex trafficker for ‘creator’ payments rather paying accounts that just make silly memes is a big business win,” said Musk, at a loss as to why his business may continue to lose revenue.
Supporters of Musk refused to believe a company run by the son of a former owner of an apartheid era emerald mine could be experiencing advertising revenue issues.
“This can’t be right, the same person who spent $44bn on Twitter might have been making stupid decisions that are backfiring spectacularly? It seems unlikely,” shared one pro-Musk skeptic.
Meanwhile a crack team of strategists within Twitter have been tasked with helping Musk turn the tide against the perception that he is perhaps not a good businessman, and they have come up with the following solutions to show he’s a serious person:
Keep tweeting about Mark Zuckerberg’s penis. Nothing tells advertisers you’re a safe bet more than revealing to the world you spend the working day picturing Mark Zuckerberg’s penis.
Tweet more lame Anime memes that immature and horny 13-year-olds would consider too cringe to post.
Double down on the right-wing conspiracy theories.
Keep refusing to pay rent owed for Twitter offices.
Like more tweets about how human trafficking is the biggest problem of our time while simultaneously promoting Tucker Carlson’s interview with Andrew Tate, a man charged with rape and human trafficking.
Refrain from tweeting ‘I just want to be loved’ at 3am despite the overwhelming urge to do so.
Don’t make it so obvious you’re freaking out about the fact you owe lenders $13bn at the end of the month and really don’t want to have to sell more Tesla stock.
Continue to make Twitter an increasingly awful place to spend time to such an extent that 150 million people would voluntarily sign up for Threads, an app created by humanoid data vampire Mark Zuckerberg.