Weather Reports Need Scarier Colour Than Purple


SCIENTISTS are today discussing what colour they can use on a weather chart to convince the public that the world is on the brink of a climate disaster, as most people now consider even the deepest of purples to mean ‘a nice day for a barbeque’.

Meteorologists had once used red to represent ‘really fucking hot out’ when reporting the weather, before upgrading to crimson for ‘fuck me that’s unbearable’ and then purple for ‘all gingers stay indoors.

However, as soaring temperatures break more and more records worldwide, the public have grown accustomed to the alarming colours and see them as ‘just how it is’, leading to concerns that absolutely nobody is paying attention to the climate crisis that’s about to wreak havoc on our grandchildren.

“Don’t make us go all the way to black,” bluffed climate scientists today, knowing full well that if they went to black there would be nowhere else to go.

“What the hell is wrong with you people that you don’t show a flicker of emotion when the temperatures soar above anything you’ve experienced in your lifetime? We’ve tried everything; purple on the map, a Netflix movie with Leo DiCaprio – it’s not ‘pint weather’ people, it’s the world turning into a goddamn slow cooker!”

Elsewhere, the Irish media has agreed to do their part in raising awareness of the alarming temperatures and agreed to stop running headlines beside a picture of a 99 and a beach.