Public Toilets, Bus Shelters, Mitchelstown Caves; All The Refugee Accommodation Options The Government Are Considering

SHORTLY after announcing they’re to lift a ban on private nursing homes becoming refugee centres in the hopes that more even more large-scale property companies and funds can get a slice of the annual €1bn refugee pie, a new dossier leaked to WWN has detailed a list of other accommodation options they are considering in the near future.

‘The private nursing home model doesn’t work because we’re depending on normal everyday people to pay extortionate amounts of money to firms to mind their ageing loved ones as the government refuses to do it,” the dossier read,’ despite 80% of nursing homes in Ireland being privately owned, the investors feel they aren’t making enough money and now see better returns in this lucrative refugee accommodation craic – so let’s ditch these old fogies and start direct provisioning the bollocks out of it”.

The dossier suggested a long list of alternative places for refugees to stay, including Newgrange, Mitchelstown Caves, sticking cliff tents on the Cliffs of Moher, public toilets, bus shelters, basically anywhere that’s not state or church owned that may affect our votes next year in the general elections.

‘Best keep them out of the main cities too and shove them into rural Ireland to fend for themselves with poor transport and amenities.’

With droves of desperate people escaping devastating scenarios in Ukraine, the middle east and war-torn countries like Britain, the government has admitted it has become overwhelmed and this week forced to pay a financial contribution of €1.5 million to the European Union over the lack of accommodation for asylum seekers.

‘Sure, we could actually curtail the flow for a bit and sort our shit out first and properly integrate the refugees we have instead of fucking them into poorly built camps, but then we wouldn’t be able to take advantage of the escalating left/right divide we’re creating, which will no doubt benefit our political policies in the long run – it’s best to divide and conquer,’ the dossier concluded.