Oil Bunkers, Slave Caddies; What The LIV Deal Means For Golf
THE landscape of professional golf is about to change forever thanks to the ‘merger’ between the PGA, the European tour and LIV Golf, but will the actual game itself see any noticeable changes now it’s effectively under the ownership of the Saudi government? Not really, except for:
Players will have to deal with an updated course full of new hazards, with sand traps replaced with shallow pools of gold coins, and water obstacles replaced with thick crude oil. Then there’s the corpses left behind after mass executions.
If a caddy dies on the green from malnourishment or mistreatment, they will be buried where they fall and nobody will ever mention them again.
A more aggressive style of play is expected from golfers, as the golf ball becomes the manifestation of their shame, and they attempt to drive it as far down the fairway as they can. Anguished yells will make even a gentle putt sound like a female tennis player returning a serve.
All electric golf carts will be banned from the tournament.
If a player gets a hole-in-one, it will automatically trigger the firing of a fresh rocket to civilian targets in Yemen.
Progress from one pin to the next will be much slower, as players struggle with the added weight of pockets stuffed with blood money.
All courses will be reduced from 18 to 15 holes in memory of the 15 hijackers responsible for the 911 attacks.
PGA tour commissioner Jay Monahan sought to quell discontent among golf lovers by pointing out that while signing this secret deal may have been morally reprehensible, his new yacht will be beautiful.
Incredibly rich players who missed an opportunity to become even more incredibly rich by joining LIV last year will be compensated for their stupid beliefs that doing the right thing was the right thing to do.
The next edition of the popular EA Sports PGA Tour video game will feature a death match mode.
Meanwhile, all PGA golfers who object to the merger will be asked to file their complaint in person at their nearest Saudi consulate, although it is advised to say their goodbyes to loved ones ahead of this.