Only A Matter Of Time Before Under-9s Team Realise Local Coach Hasn’t A Clue


HUNGOVER and running out of cones, local father and under-9s football coach Ed Ganley is facing up to the realisation that his limitations as a coach could be exposed at any point.

“Go and run around with the balls there, boys,” Ganley told Mellick Green Rovers u-9s in between dry retching, in a scene we imagine is reminiscent of when Pep Guardiola take training with City.

With no coaching badges and hiding the shameful secret that he was woeful at footballer himself, Ganley reckons it will take just one rebel among the group to become bored with his methods and a mutiny will take place.

“I didn’t even want to coach them, Jack’s dad dropped out at the last minute after that car accident put him hospital, which is selfish if you ask me, I don’t know what to do other than make them run until they’re too tired to disagree with me,” Ganley relayed as he surveyed the uncoordinated and unfocused training session in front of him.

Ganley had thought the initial purchase of a clipboard would suffice as a false visual indication of his vast experience and knowledge, protecting himself from the reality that when it comes to football, he only repeats things he’d heard on football podcasts.

“Coach Ed, we’ve done dribbling in and out of cones loads, can we learn about how to collectively activate the press and play possession-based football? Counter attacking is all well and good, but Jack hasn’t the pace or hold up ability,” asked one little prick whose parents shouldn’t let him watch so many YouTube tactical breakdown videos.