HARROWING new research has shown that the populations of over 50% of animal species in the world are now in decline, except for wasps which are somehow getting more common and even stingier than ever before.
Those looking for a silver lining to what is being described as ‘the 6th mass-extinction level event in the history of the planet’ were left bitterly disappointed as the news points towards a future full of ecological turmoil and not one single unsoiled family picnic or barbecue.
Scientists working on the report confirmed that while hundreds of species of cute Amazonian frogs and lizards may be wiped out over the next few years, we’ll still see plenty of:
– Not only wasps, but several other pesky flying stinging bastards, such as flying ants and hornets. Bees, vital pollinators that rarely sting anyone, are cruelly not on this list.
– Big ass spiders, from the family Biggus Fuckingus Spiderus. In fact, there could be a huge spider in your hair right now.
– That damn dog from up the way, the one that barks from one end of the day to the next without cease? Yeah that fucking thing is going to outlive you. Also your Mum’s cat, the one that she’s had since 9/11 that is barely able to function? Also going to be just fine.
– Humans, all while they argue about who’s to blame for all this while also denying that it’s happening in the first place.