Charles Sticks Crown Back In Press With Christmas Decorations


HAVING been well and truly coronated at the weekend, King Charles is to spend the next few days bagging up all his regal bits and pieces to be stored in the attic of Buckingham Palace until the next time they’re needed.

Charles is said to be a ‘dab hand’ at packing away his coronation decorations, and has employed several useful Crown Jewel hacks such as tucking the Sovereign Orb into his crown to save space at the top of his wardrobe, and vacuum-sealing his robes and vestments until they crush down into one handy-to-store solid block of fabric and gems.

“Now where the fuck does one store this damn thing,” muttered the new King, trying to find a suitable home for the Sovereign Sceptre in the crawlspace of his attic.

“Camilla, hand me up the next tub of jewels, will you? My word, every year I ask myself do we need the half of this stuff. I mean look at this thing, it cost the taxpayers millions and we barely use it. Would you miss it if I just threw it out? Or maybe there’s a charity shop that we could bring it to. How much do you think they’d give us for it? Oh look, let’s just stuff everything up here for now and let William worry about it in a few years. Now hold the base of the Staighre there, the spring is wonky and it’s known to fly up on its own”.

Annoyingly, Charles later discovered one more multi-million pound jewel-encrusted Coronation thingamajig on the mantelpiece just after he’d thought that everything was packed away.

“Fuck it, it can stay there,” he grumbled.