A Bare Mattress On The Floor, The Grimy Bachelor’s Guide To Home Decor


Are you a tragic single man looking to kit out an apartment? Then why not follow perennial bachelor, Ryan O’Neill’s, tips.

A single, damp hand-towel

What absolute thick would piss away money on a hand-towel? Everyone I know, from Mucker Harry to Podge, just dries their hands using the front of their jeans. You only need one towel getting out of the shower, and you shouldn’t ever have to wash it as you clean when you’re using it. So what if it’s a bit musty? I just reuse it until I contract pink-eye, before binning the thing and getting another to let the whole cycle start again.

Bare mattress on the floor

You don’t sleep on a bed-frame, so why would anyone actually need one? And besides, there wasn’t one in the skip where I found my mattress. Also, sheets are a massive faff to clean, and it’s all your own dirt all the same. So what if the mattress ends up being so full of your own jizz that it’s unsuitable for landfill and, ultimately, will have to be destroyed in a controlled detonation by army specialists?

Overflowing recycling bin

Honies these days love an eco-conscious guy. The best way to show off just how much you’re into recycling is by forgetting to take the bin out for a few weeks or months. Soon, you’ll have a great big pile of old crisp bags and empty cans of lager swamping a corner of your kitchen, and the ladies will be flocking to you like the dozens and dozens of flies buzzing around your eco-heap.

Porn on a wall

Those Renaissance lads were always painting birds with their baps out, so why should my flatmate call me a sexist pervert for having a grotty page from an old porn mag gaffer-taped to my wall? When you think about it, what’s really the difference between my 2007 copy of Nuts magazine and some shit Michaelangelo put together, yeah?

Empty pizza boxes

Posh wankers think pot-pourri smells nice, but d’ya know what actually has a lovely bang off it? Pizza. Keeping a few old pizza boxes on the counter is like having one of those plug-in Glades. What’s more, the newer half-empty boxes that you add to the pile help mask the smell of whatever’s going on in the older ones at the bottom of the pile. So what if my Domino’s tower has been described by concerned parents, several exes and a stern letter for the council as ‘rendering the apartment unfit for human habitation.’