When Time Is Right, Terminally Ill Man Going To Walk Down O’Connell St.


WATERFORD man Kenneth Malone isn’t deluding himself about the illness he’s living with at the moment. He knows that it is incurable and will eventually cause him to suffer a long, slow death.

However, he has no intention of letting it get that far; when he feels the time is right and he’s ready to go out on his own terms, the 56-year-old has vowed to buy a one-way ticket to Dublin city centre, hold a fifty euro note in each hand and walk the length of O’Connell St at half ten at night.

“I was diagnosed with terminal whooping gout last year. Terrible way to die. I don’t want my family to see me suffer through that, so I’m just going to end things quickly when it comes to it. I reckon if I start walking around smiling and admiring Dublin city centre, I’ll be at peace in less than 7 minutes,” said Malone, who had considered a flight to a clinic in Switzerland but this is way cheaper.

“Dublin city is deadly dangerous, that even if I wasn’t a gravely ill man I’d have a hard time surviving getting my head kicked in over nothing. People have warned me that the emergency responders may scoop me off the footpath and get me to hospital in time to be saved after I get mauled, and I just laugh at them. I might survive the kicking, but I won’t survive A&E”.

Mr. Malone’s family are fully behind his decision, and have pleaded with the government to keep up their good work of ignoring the state of the city centre so that their Dad can fulfil his wish of having the bleedin’ head boxed off himself.