Xi Orders Big Table With Map And Little Ships With Move-Around Sticks

US SPIES have intercepted an Amazon delivery ordered by Chinese president Xi Jinping that contains a massive table-top map of the Chinese sea, as well as an email receipt telling him that ‘customers that ordered this item also ordered a croupier stick and several miniature nuclear missiles and battleships’.

“Couple that with his purchase of a big see-through Perspex thing with a load of maps on it and a big whiteboard compass and a red marker, and we have every reason to believe that he’s building himself a classic, no-nonsense war room so he can plan his next move with a bit of style and pizazz”.

Xi’s purchases come following tensions arising from yet another meeting between the US and Taiwan’s president Tsai Ing-wen, as well as the ongoing Ukraine-Russia war and just about everything else happening in the world at the minute.

“Any time we meet up with Taiwan to have a chat, I can just picture Xi moving little ships around his big map, circling the disputed island, making explosion noises with his mouth,” added our man in the Pentagon, before a look of worry spread across his face as he glanced at his monitor.

“Oh crap, he’s just bought himself a novelty sized big red button. That can’t be good, can it?!”