Reject Digital Currency, Always Pay Cash When You’re Out On The Piss

PHYSICAL cash is being edged out in favour of digital money as part of a shadowy conspiracy that aims to separate drunks from their life savings while on a night out, according to a new book by conspiracy theorist and avid drinker James Porre.

“There is no quicker way to rob a person of their money than to give them full access to it without any checks or brakes while they are on the rip with their friends,” said Porre in a nine-hour Facebook Live rant that was viewed by dozens.

“It’s just tap, pint, tap, shorts, tap, kebab, tap, kebab because you dropped the first kebab, tap, taxi. You don’t know how much you have spent until the next day. I plead with you all to stop using contactless payments on nights out. Budget what you intend to spend or what you can afford, and take it out in cash earlier in the day.

“Leave your card at home and then there’s no way you’ll wake up penniless on Sunday morning with no memory of handing over your car insurance money to the barman in Diceys”.

Porre goes on to state that he’s not one of these headcases that suggests you pay your mortgage in 20s at the bank counter or insist on your wages into your hand every week, but instead urges people to consider a time before contactless payment when one had to be in full control of their beer buzz budget.

“Leaving your house you had to know that you had money for 6 pints, taxis, takeaway… leaving your fucking coat in the coatroom. If you didn’t have the money, you couldn’t do it,” he stressed, winning over more and more people as he went on.

“If you met someone on a night out, then you needed rubber johnny money. Or you adapted your spending – either way, you knew how much you could spend, and you didn’t go over it. You can say what you want about the convenience of digital currency, but I promise you in the days of paying cash at a bar, you never once ended up spending 90 quid on a tray of Baby Guinnesses for a shower of cunts you’d just met”.

He also added that a cash-only approach will also stop you from getting nine things off the starter menu in the Chinese on the way home that you’re never going to eat.