Recap: Today’s Shambles In The Dáil


ALL the worst lowlights from today’s Dáil happenings where the government won a motion of no confidence by 86 votes to 67.

Ceann Comhairle Seán Ó Fearghaíl was handed a Nobel Prize for Stating The Obvious after labeling the conduct of all parties during the debate on Labour’s initial motion of no confidence in the government a “disgrace” with “constant heckling and interruption”.

“Omg what am I like, I’m so random” declared Nessa Hourigan, Green Party member and resident Manic Pixie Dream TD, as she voted confidence in a government she last week insisted she couldn’t stand by.

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar called Labour’s proposed motion of no-confidence ‘profoundly disingenuous’ and if anyone knows about being profoundly disingenuous it’s the Fine Gael leader.

However, a VAR replay of the Dáil did confirm this is the same Labour that shafted the entire country and took part in the Bonfire Of Austerities with Fine Gael.

Fianna Fáil’s Barry Cowen suggested extending the eviction ban is like ‘giving children free sweets’, however, records show it’s more like trying to prevent an increase in the number of children being made homeless.

Such was the stupidity of his comments, some speculated Cowen was drink-driving again.

Danny Healy Rae is to be fitted with real-time subtitles following whatever it was he said in his latest speech.

Varadkar denied ‘pissing steam’ over the fact Holly Cairns’ social media posts are getting more likes than his

Every party was offered a gold star after pointing out every party in the Dáil has objected to housing proposals in constituencies.

“Haha, how about a motion of wrapping this up and hitting the Dáil bar for scoops” was heard from the front bench as one opposition TD told of a particularly harrowing case of a family being illegally evicted.

Several coalition ministers were keen to remind the Dáil ahead of the eviction ban being lifted on Saturday there was nothing to fear as the government will probably have several ‘safety nets’ in place in a few months time, depending on the work load and level-of-being-arsedness.

“Oh no we’re so scared” the coalition confirmed when Richard Boyd Barrett told them of a planned protest outside Leinster House this Saturday.

“What the fuck is this shit? Only an idiot would come up with this bollocks” – gentle paraphrasing of the Taoiseach’s reaction to Sinn Féin’s proposal to extend the eviction ban with a bill that was literally just a copy and pasting of the coalition’s own eviction ban it imposed last October.

Several independent TDs looked deep in their hearts and voted with the coalition and in favour of raking it in for another two years rather than risk losing their seats to Sinn Féin in a general election now.

Paul Murphy unmasked himself as a deep cover Soviet Union spy after using his time in the Dáil to remind tenants being evicted they should not leave their rented accommodation if they have nowhere else to go.

Varadkar continued his criticism of Labour, calling their no-confidence motion ‘political theatre’ and ‘performance art’ which is like Daniel Day Lewis telling someone they’re overdoing it with the method acting.