Graham Dwyer Free To Go Fuck Himself

THE people of Ireland have won their appeal to rest contented in the knowledge that convicted murderer Graham Dwyer isn’t going to wriggle out of his jail sentence due to a technicality, WWN can report.

The murderer of Elaine O’Hara can still be described as such thanks to rare example of the Irish judicial system working correctly, as the Court of Appeal disregarded Dwyer’s claims that the use of cell data amounted to a ‘miscarriage of justice’ due to the fact that there was still substantial evidence to prove that he was ‘guilty as shit’.

“Fuck no,” read the presiding judge at the Court of Appeal today, in a statement that amounted to just those words.

Dwyer, who had hoped that today would be the day where he could start to build a path to being set free, has instead been set free to go fuck himself at a speed of his choosing for the remainder of his days behind bars.

Meanwhile, any citizens that are concerned that their cell data could be used to prove that they callously murdered a woman have been advised to simply not callously murder a woman.

“Never forget that not murdering people is always an option,” said the judge as they made their way out for an early afternoon having pints with their judge pals where they could properly laugh at the fucking cheek of some people.