“We’ve Turned The 4th Corner On Housing” – Tánaiste

TÁNAISTE Micheál Martin has proudly announced that the government has turned a corner on housing, but brushed aside any suggestions that as this is the fourth time he’s announced this, we’ve now looped around to where we started from.

“No, we’ve turned corners but we didn’t do them all in the same direction. It’s been left, right, right, left, so as you can see we’re continuing on our path to a functioning housing market,” refuted Martin, before being asked if what he had just described was perhaps the worst possible way someone would travel to where they wanted to be.

“Straight lines are not available to us, we can only travel in corners,” he offered, before going on to describe the government’s movements as being ‘very like a knight in chess’, and that sometimes knights in chess can be the ones to make all the difference to a game, the game in this case being impending evictions and a shortfall of 250,000 housing units.

“And besides, stop thinking of these as angular, hard corners. That’s not a very helpful way to describe what we’re doing. It’s not a 90 degree turn, it’s more of an ambling parabolic type of movement,” fumed the Tánaiste, getting visibly annoyed at why people can’t accept a simple soundbite as a proven fact anymore.

Martin concluded his statement by angrily insisting that what he just described was not ‘spinning in circles’, before storming off.