Did You Play Schools Rugby? The Injury Hit Irish Rugby Team Needs You To Play Against England

THE IRFU has made an appeal to all men with previous schools rugby experience to make themselves available for selection for Ireland’s Grand Slam decider against England this Saturday, such is the extent of the injury list.

“You can be unfit, overweight, as long as you’re injured or carrying a knock like half of our squad, you’re guaranteed a start” explained Andy Farrell, who counts Tadhg Beirne, Caelan Doris, Garry Ringrose and Dan Sheehan among others on the treatment table.

“Do you wheeze when you have to get up from the couch, do you have the handling skills of someone whose hands are made entirely from olive oil? Good news, that still makes you one of the better selection options we have now,” offered Farrell, who is looking to provide cover for all positions covered by Josh Van Der Flier.

Early indication are that new call ups will largely be based on which former schools player can tell the most transparently untrue story of rugby prowess while at the same time putting severe stomach pressure on the belt holding up their trousers.

While the 22-7 victory against Scotland came at a cost, Ireland can celebrate the fact it retained the Centenary Quaich. The meaningless and pointless trophy award in a competition involving six teams is in addition to the Pisa Vase, Channel Shield, Parisian Crystal, Garryowen Memorial Urn and Grubber Kick Chalice, also won in this year’s tournament.

Elsewhere, Irish supporters have asked if Monday is too early to start celebrating the impending shoe-in Grand Slam victory, a preemptive celebration which fans confirmed can in no way backfire.