The Silicon Valley Bank Collapses Explained By Homeless San Francisco Man

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PANIC RIDDEN venture capitalists and tech start up CEOs unwittingly sparked the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank in what experts are calling ‘a really stupid fucking thing to have orchestrated and subjected yourself to’. But just what exactly happened?

To get a handle of the unfolding situation, WWN Biz spoke to someone who now has more cash than most start ups, resident San Fran homeless man Damian Henge.

“Yup, that’s basically what happened. And these are the people who think they should be worshiped as Gods for creating an app that keeps track of your poos or something else equally revolutionary,” explained the San Fran native, who hasn’t laughed at the tech community this much since the previous day’s epic adventures in hubris and stupidity.

“These ‘smartest guys in the room’ shit the bed and panicked, it’s a classic Diamond–Dybvig bank run,” continued Henge.

“And now these libertarian small government dickwads want a bailout, but they’ll spit on me and call me a leech when I ask for spare change,” added Henge, who like everyone else presumed their suspicion that America will once again embrace socialism for the rich could be proven true very soon.

“Instead of begging for a bailout, why not take your own advice and just ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’?”

“Oh who could have seen this coming – the dipshits who get pink eye from kissing Elon Musk’s ass didn’t foresee a bank with 93% uninsured deposits sparking a skittish bank run after interest rate hikes,” offered Henge, who lives out of a tent but maintains greater dignity than SVB’s biggest customers.

“And don’t get me started on the jizz for brains Wall Street ass hats at JP Morgan who said SVB was a ‘must invest’ in December,” concluded Henge, who wasn’t sure the streets had much more room for more homeless people.

UPDATE: The odds on President Biden suddenly passing away in his sleep tonight increased dramatically after he stated ‘investors knowingly took a risk and when the risk didn’t pay off, investors lose their money. That’s how capitalism works’.

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