PSNI Respond To Scene Of DUP Holding Northern Ireland Hostage

AS REPORTS indicate that the DUP are once again proving a barrier to a breakthrough in negotiations on the NI Protocol, the PSNI are responding to the scene of Northern Ireland being held hostage.

“Demands remain unclear, something about making everyone agree the earth is 6,000 years old, over,” one officer said radioing back to the station after reaching the scene.

“Viable explosive verbal diarrhea device found on the face of one Sammy Wilson,” confirmed another officer assessing the situation which has seen the DUP looking for any excuse to prevent Stormont returning to regular operations.

Holding an empty stapler to his head and warning he would shoot himself, Jeffrey Donaldson insisted he was ‘serious’ and would pull the trigger unless a man called Rishi Sunak confirmed Northern Ireland’s economy would stop out-performing the rest of the UK.

“This isn’t fair, we’re British like you, well not you specifically Rishi…obviously. But we’re British like the rest of Britain, well, except when it comes to matters like access to abortion, but we don’t want to be any different from the mainland, well, except when it comes to LGBT ‘rights’,” rambled Donaldson.

The DUP then threatened Sunak with performing ‘seven tests’.

“And if you and this deal pass the seven tests… then we’ll make up more tests because if it wasn’t clear yet we’ve no intention of ending this ‘holding Northern Ireland hostage’ thing,” added Donaldson, before asking the PSNI for an emergency delivery of 4,000 Union Jacks when officers offered them food.