Man United Fan Sighs Wearily, Prepares To Become Defender Of Qatari Human Rights Abuses


FACING the prospect of his beloved football club being purchased by Qatar, Manchester United fan Owen Kingston is clearing his throat ahead of uttering an endless stream of false equivalences, straw man arguments and mangled analogies when it comes to the subject of basic human rights.

“At the end of the day gay people, it’s not like, well just like don’t live or visit places where they think you’re sub-human abominations,” Kingston offered up in a weak voice but feeling vindicated if it means his club signs a few second choice full back for £80mn each this summer.

“Typically you never really use your passport, do you? So it’s like I’d miss it if my boss confiscated it and threatened me. It’s just a bit of paper with a picture, calm down y’know? Workers rights? We should all be grateful to have jobs to be fair,” said Kingston while picturing Harry Maguire holding the Champion’s League aloft arm in arm with Kylian Mbappé.

Puffing out his cheeks and trying to find the inner strength to commit to this line of thinking for however long Qatar own his club for before selling it to a consortium of Dr Evil, Gru and Augustine Pinochet’s ghost, Kingston saw no choice but to double down.

“When you weigh it up the Qatar bid is debt free, the bid that is, its two-tiered society which migrants workers are subjected to, yeah there’s a lot of death,” said Kingston, cringing at old tweets talking about integrity and hypocrisy on the eve of Newcastle’s Saudi takeover.

“But end of the day if you really, really have to put a price on the success of your football team winning trophies, I’d put that price at ‘endless human rights abuses and deaths’, innit?”