Here’s What Facebook’s $11.99 A Month Paid Verification Gets You

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META have announced its intention to introduce a verified subscription service for $11.99 a month which will come with a number of features, in yet another another example of Mark Zuckerberg’s unique and uncanny skill for identifying new features for his companies’ social media services which none of his rivals have thought of before.

But just what will this new subscription get you? WWN Tech has the answers:

All knowledge of the Metaverse will be erased from the mind of a verified subscription user, you will never have to hear that word ever again.

Mark Zuckerberg promises to stay upright and awake in a chair in your bedroom to ensure no harm comes to you as you sleep.

Unfortunately, if you want to see things in your feed related to topics, public figures, news and pages you follow you need to opt for the $1,111.99 Gold Tier option.

Subscription fee payers will have every Farmville request they ever sent to friends automatically accepted.

When liking someone’s photo from 4 years ago a pop up will now appear warning “dude, the fuck? It’s gonna look creepy you liking a photo of someone you worked with 4 years ago, c’mon!”

First dibs on that couch for sale on Facebook Marketplace, the one with the clear blood stains all over it.

Instead of having an unhinged person turn up in the comment sections talking about QAnon and New World Order, Facebook will drive them directly to wherever you are so they can shout their comment directly at you.

Any misogynistic abuse you send women on Instagram will be taken over the recipients screen and their account frozen until they respond to you, politely of course.

If someone’s Instagram story is longer than 20 separate panels you can ask Meta to carry out a hit on them.

In a huge change to the tyranny that is ‘Facebook jail’, subscription fee payers will get to be prison guards.

By paying the fee Meta will remove all adverts from your Instagram and Facebook feeds.

CLARIFICATION: “The fuck we will!?” confirmed Meta.

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