Soaring BP Profits Not Related To Soaring BP Gouging
BP has explained to the hard of thinking that their record-setting €26bn profits for last year has nothing to do with any sort of price gouging or war profiteering, and that any business could just double its fortunes in a year if they work hard and say their prayers.
“You hear stories that people are ‘too afraid to put on their heating because they’re afraid of costs’. Then you hear ‘energy companies are making a fortune from increasing prices’. Well which is it, genius? It can’t be both!” scoffed one BP executive we spoke to.
“People just hate to hear a success story, that’s all it is. They see people like myself getting a 7-figure bonus and they get jealous. They want to tear us down, they try to tell people that we don’t work hard. Well excuse me, I work incredibly hard. Do you think the price of a cubic metre of gas just suddenly doubles? I had to do that! Myself! With a calculator! So show some respect!”
As BP and other energy companies continued to laugh until they soiled their silk underpants, governments around the world admitted that although the situation is frustrating for people, you have to admire the absolute balls of these guys.
“Ah you have to hand it to them, this is some Bond villain shit,” said one minister, while expressing no interest in pushing for a windfall tax or anything of the sort.