Salmonella; Handy Excuse For A Day Off? We Investigate

WITH EMPLOYERS ‘over’ Covid-19 as an excuse for an absence from work, people have found it harder to find the best excuse for plotting a sly day off and/or hangover recovery.

We road test an old favourite that has come back into the spotlight with the culling of poultry at a number of Irish farms. Could salmonella poisoning be emerging at the perfect time to get you a day off? We investigate.

Method journalists to a fault, we couldn’t just phone in sick claiming we had salmonella.

We needed to know firsthand if you could get a mild 24 hour bug style salmonella poisoning that conveniently only has you out for a day, so workers everywhere could use this as a blueprint for faking it.

Naturally our first move involved jumping in the car to Cavan in search of a poultry farm. Keeping an eye an out for particularly sad looking men in fields who might have recently had to kill all their chickens, we happened upon Gracey Farm Ltd. The farmer, John Gracey, reacted with confusion at first when we asked if he had a sickly chicken we could lick.

“Even an egg that looks manky, we’d crack and down that if you had it,” we said to Gracey, whose eyes were red from crying.

We were promptly marched off the property but not before we pocketed a discarded leg from a recently culled chicken into our pocket.

Licking it, chewing it, cooking and then eating entirely, we had guaranteed ourselves a dose. Now all there was to do was drive home to Waterford and relax on the couch.

The diarrhea started almost immediately, so severe it built up in our trousers, forming an unwanted cushion of shit which served to elevate us to a height in the driver’s seat which made it harder to drive the car.

Stomach cramps tensing and fever fired up, it was at this point the hallucinations kicked in. Sprouting chicken legs, pressing the pedals became harder.

Soon the guards pulled us over and became agitated when we communicated exclusively in clucking. Later in the station we were told we would have been let off had we not attempted to peck out the eyes of the guard.

In conclusion, yeah we reckon salmonella poisoning works for a cheeky day off but when phoning in sick remember not to pretend cough, instead pretend shit yourself while begging to be put out of your misery.