Here’s The Politicians Currently On The Phone To Their Solicitors


WITH a large section of the general public concluding ‘that sounds like organised crime’ after learning successive governments and civil servants knowingly blocked as much as €12bn in refunds to the public for illegal nursing home charges in a secret plot, politicians past and present are trying desperately to get through to their solicitors.

A procession of successive Taosigh and health ministers including but not limited to Micheál Martin, Enda Kenny, Eamon Gilmore, Brendan Howlin, Simon Harris, Mary Harney and Leo Varadkar are alleged to have been party to a plan to avoid paying compensation owed to vulnerable families illegally overcharged fees for public nursing home.

“Oh God, just tell me, how fucked am I here? I mean this will never go to court, probably a sham of a tribunal but am I… could I… actually be held accountable for this?” one panicked former minister for health blubbered down the phone to their solicitor, fearing their pension pot worth millions may have to be used to pay for years of legal services.

“Hi, I’ve now publicly said I saw no memo or report or whatever relating to this issue and had no knowledge of it. Would appreciate steer on language for my apology when evidence to the contrary is predictably uncovered, thanks,” said another politician.

“Advice needed on how to word my version of events so that words lose all meaning. Just muddy the already muddied waters with a sewage pipe full of bullshit, that sort of thing,” said one now retired politician, who hopes this doesn’t effect any consultancy work.

“The way journalists are writing about it they’re acting like delaying and dragging out claims the State knows to be 100% valid is like… a bad thing. Will I get away with saying I was just doing what civil servants told me? Cheers,” said another minister just getting their solicitor’s voicemail.

“Phew, no you’re right. I was overreacting, thanks for talking me down,” said another politician upon being reminded this is Ireland and accountability is as alien a concept as a functioning health service.