Celebrities Share Their New Year’s Resolutions


EARTH’S leading lights were kind enough to share their New Year’s resolutions with WWN and we’re delighted to be able to share them with you, the filthy members of the public who aren’t good enough to be used as toilet paper by any of them:

“I think I’m going to improve my spending habits, in 2022 I went a little crazy buying myself something I didn’t want or understand for $44bn” – Elon Musk

“Finally find out what my second name is” – Zendaya

“I never stick to my new year’s resolutions. In 2022 I said I’d conquer Ukraine and look how that ended up lol” – Vladimir Putin

“Surprise my family” – Queen Elizabeth II

“No big resolutions, but I can’t wait for 1993 to begin, bring it on!” – Joe Biden

“I’m promising myself I’ll hire the type of PR firm that makes sure my private jet use never makes the news again” – Taylor Swift

“I’ll have a quiet one, head down. Keep myself to myself as usual” – Conor McGregor [Resolution since deleted]

“Invade Poland” – Kanye West

“Make an appointment with the doctor and get this fever checked out” – Earth

“Definitely not kill myself in my prison cell, that’s for sure” – Ghislaine Maxwell

“I’m giving up pizza” – Andrew Tate

“Raise interest rates another 10 or 15 times” – Christine Lagarde

“Mate, I’ve just won the fucking World Cup, gimme a break” – Lionel Messi

“Star in the remake of Pirates of the Caribbean” – Amber Heard

“I think 2023 for me will all be about enjoying random people on the internet telling me how to live my life” – Britney Spears

“Get more of that TikTok data from young people, nomnomnomnom” Xi Jinping