“You Should Be Fuckin’ Ashamed Of Yourselves” Says Plastic Entangled Turtle During COP27 Speech

IN ONE of the first major speeches at the UN’s COP27 summit in Egypt, Neville an Indonesian sea turtle and climate activist decried the pathetic efforts of world leaders to date in the fight against climate change.

“This sham is sponsored by Coca Cola too, and how do you think I got the necklace I’m wearing? They’re one of the biggest polluters going. Not a single one of you pricks offered to cut me out of this either when I met you at the champagne reception earlier,” railed Neville, in a speech calling for an end to pollution and a drastic reduction in CO2 emissions.

“Private jets, was it? That how you got here? I was minutes away from missing the start of this thing ‘cus I feckin’ swam here and let me tell you, the amount of plastic you spineless cretins have accumulated in the sea is a disgrace,” continued the turtle, significantly hampered by plastic constraining his body.

A controversial choice for a speaking slot and one which a number of nations objected to, Neville’s forceful speech is already making waves.

“And you snowflake cunts were triggered by a teenage girl ripping you a new one. And Boris Johnson is invited? This summit is to averting climate disaster what Hannibal Lecter is to vegetarianism, you’ve shown about as much commitment to reducing CO2 as Kim Kardashian has to her marriages,” continued Neville moments before being dragged off stage.

Elsewhere, head of the UN Antonio Guterres doused himself in petrol on stage and set himself on fire in a bid to let world leaders know how grave the situation facing humanity is. This was met with near silence in the auditorium, broken only by a smattering of half-hearted claps and some sporadic coughing.