Report Into An Bord Pleanála Reveals Board Was Just Toy Monkey Bashing Cymbals In Hands


A LEAKED internal report into the operations at An Bord Pleanála revealed board members intervened to change inspectors’ reports and concealed this fact, while files were allocated to board members despite planning decisions being in their own locality but most disturbingly of all it is has been discovered the board is in fact a toy monkey with cymbals attached to its hands.

“This is a real failure of oversight,” confirmed the report, “no one is denying that monkey can play a mean cymbal but it certainly goes some way to explaining what a fucking shambles this place has been in”. The toy monkey has also denied allegations that some board members were engaged in undisclosed sexual relationships with one another.

Despite the revelation that the often odd, inconsistent and plain wrong rulings made by An Bord Pleanála were the result of leaving complex planning decisions to be made by a toy monkey whose only ability was to repeatedly smash cymbals together in a furious and unrelenting fashion, the government has insisted ‘ah it’s probably grand’.

“A lot of issues have arisen from the fallout of leaving ABP be run by a monkey bashing cymbals but we think it’s the wrong time to actually replace the cymbal-bashing toy monkey at this time. Instead we think the prudent thing to do is to perhaps purchase more toy monkeys,” explained Minister for Housing Darragh O’Brien, before refusing to rule out increasing the monkey’s salary for no good reason.

The report also highlighted a significant number of conflicts of interest the toy monkey had when ruling on dozens of decisions which it failed to disclose despite knowing the applicant, who was more often than not a Hungry Hungry Hippo.

Responding to questions on what it plans to do to address the systemic issues outlined in the report, ABP confirmed ‘probably threaten legal action against whoever leaked the report’.