Leaked: The Next 5 Just Stop Oil Protests


THE UNDENIABLE impact caused by recent Just Stop Oil protests has led to the group prepping a number of more high profile demonstrations against political inaction and fossil fuel dependency.

Despite the protesters who threw cake at the wax figure of King Charles at Madame Tussauds being arrested for attempted regicide, the climate activists continue their reign of terror.

But where will JSO strike next? WWN infiltrated one WhatsApp group by dying our hair pink and getting a tattoo of Greta Thunberg on our face, here’s what we discovered:

1) Just Stop Oil have vowed to glue themselves to your nan due to her being a customer of HSBC which continues to claim it has green credentials despite investing in fossil fuel companies.

2) The group are planning to cook an 87-course Michelin star meal and throw it at beloved music icon Rihanna before gluing themselves to her native Bardados because of her role in pushing fossil fuels with her hit song ‘Shut Up and Drive’.

3) Just Stop Oil intend on lacing the water supply at Glastonbury and other major festivals with laxatives and then gluing themselves to the inside of all free portaloos.

4) In a clear sign they have no conscience and are hellbent on destroying our way of life, activists are pledging to press the pedestrian crossing button so the green man appears EVEN though they have NO intention of crossing the road, thus needlessly delaying your car journey by upwards of 10 seconds. Unhinged maniacs.

5) JSO has also indicated it has the ability to commandeer and hijack a lorry full of soup and crash it into Big Ben. But the lorry will be an electric vehicle. The group has also vowed to glue themselves to any future dick rockets billionaires intend on flying into space on.

Shares in glue manufacturers have risen by 267% in recent weeks if you’re looking for a new Just Stop Oil conspiracy theory.

UPDATE: protesters have thrown orange paint over the actor who featured in the You’ve Been Tangoed adverts from the 1990s.