Drug Dealer Can’t Wait To Stuff Free Drugs Into Trick Or Treat Sweets This Year

ALTHOUGH he failed to see the year-on-year growth he had hoped for after handing out free drugs to 7-year-old trick-or-treaters last October, local drug pusher Keith Martan is to press ahead with the scheme after hearing that every other drug dealer in the country is apparently doing it.

“I saw online last year that drug dealers are lacing sweets with narcotics and handing them out to kids, so I thought fuck it, if everyone else is at it then I’m not missing out,” said Martan, while trying to figure out how to get an ecstasy tablet into a Haribo fried egg.

“I didn’t make a new customer out of it all year, I don’t know anyone that did. But if every concerned parent on Facebook is going on about it then it must be a thing. I saw someone saying that dealers are handing out weed gummies instead of sweeties too. Eh, fuck no we’re not. Does anyone know the price of those things? We’d be bankrupt in an hour”.

While Martan continues to figure out if his business can take the hit of giving away all his stock to primary school children for a second consecutive year, several kids have complained to WWN that nobody in their locality ever hands out cocaine instead of cola bottles.

“It’s ridiculous, we have to go and buy it ourselves,” said two teenaged gentlemen we spoke to who are way too old to be trick-or-treating if you ask us, even if they are trying to load up on drugs.