US Proves There’s Nowhere They Can’t Bomb

NASA’s successful mission to crash a spacecraft onto a distant asteroid has been heralded as a complete success, and proof that even deep space isn’t safe from aerial assault by the US government.

The ‘DART’ mission, not affiliated with the even more dangerous transport system in Dublin, was launched in November of last year in a bid to test the earth’s defences against incoming disaster movie plots.

The craft impacted with an asteroid in a galaxy far, far away at around 7pm yesterday, marking the first time in history that an off-plant target was successfully struck, and the first time in decades that the US had bombed an area that did not contain oil.

“Nobody can hide from us. Not terrorists, not binary asteroid systems, nothing,” beamed a jubilant US defence spokesperson yesterday, while other NASA eggheads and pencil-necks celebrated their own little nerdy accomplishments nearby.

“Yes, we’ve shown that we can Armageddon the fuck out of a planet-threatening heavenly body should it ever head our way. Love that for earth, I really do. But it should also show that we can bomb anything, anywhere, at any time. We can tackle threats both foreign and domestic, and now extraterrestrial too. USA! USA!”.

Meanwhile the Pentagon are downplaying reports that suggest the footage of the DART crashing into the asteroid shows what appear to be alien children playing nearby, second from impact.

“Those were active combatants,” came the official line.