Local Man Hadn’t Considered Washing Car Until He Heard Of Hosepipe Ban


THE thought of unreeling the hosepipe out and spraying water about the place ‘hadn’t even occurred’ to Cork man Michael Whelan until he heard of a ban that is taking effect from midnight tonight.

“They’re clamping down on water usage to preserve supplies following weeks of below-average rainfall? Not on my watch!” fumed the 40-year-old West Cork native, shooing spiders away from a hose reel that hadn’t seen action in months.

“It’s my right as a human being to use the hosepipe that I paid good money for in a way that I see fit, whenever I want. Well, I say I paid money for it, it was on the side of the house when we moved in here. But still, it’s mine, and if I want to water the flowers then dammit, I will. Now, where’s the flowers? Hun, do we have any flowers? No? Do we have anything I can water? No? Ok, time to wash the car so”.

As Whelan, who normally uses the drive-through car wash, set about washing his vehicle by hand for the first time in his life, Irish Water pleaded with everyone else to adhere to the water conservation order until further notice.

“Look, we know we’ve had our troubles in the past, but this is serious,” said a spokesperson for Irish Water, voted ‘most hated state-owned utility company in the country’ every year since its inception.

“The network is still riddled with leaks and yeah ok, that’s on us, but we’re working on it really, really slowly. In the meantime, don’t wash the car. OK? If your other half gets onto you, just say it’s an official order. Take the afternoon off, watch the telly. Don’t do any gardening or menial labour. Really, this shouldn’t be the hard sell you’re making it out to be. Save your energy for when we put out the ‘no showers’ conservation order”.