“There’s Ukrainian Young Ones Staying In The Hotel Down The Road, All Stunners I Heard”


BREAKING news coming in from local man Paddy Rotchford today suggests there’s a ‘rake of young ones from Ukraine’ after moving into the town yesterday afternoon.

“All stunners I heard,” Rotchford added, before going on to divulge more important information, “all the husbands left fighting in Ukraine then, sure they’ll probably never see them again, the poor craters”.

The divorced 47-year-old delivered his report out the driver side window of his car while on his way to do yet another reconnaissance mission, the fourth such lap of the hotel block today.

“Ah, you could tell them a mile away – not a pick on them now, not like our ones here,” the full-time skulker revealed, unaware of how desperately shallow he sounds before further chipping away at his own character. “They’ll be lonely in those little rooms now, I tell ya, and it won’t be long till they start moving on with their lives and settling down here – you’d feel sorry for them now all the same, but jaysis, there’s a few crackers there now that will be whisked up”.

Spending €5 on some charity shop clothes, Rotchford is expected to kindly drop down a bag of clothes to the hotel on his next lap, hoping to personally deliver the bag and receive some well-earned praise from the new arrivals.

“I bought a lovely summer dress there for €2 and high heels,” he now brandishing the Lidl bag of second-hand garments, “this would definitely suit that little tanned blonde one I saw smoking outside the hotel this morning – it’s nice to give back”.