All The Ways Employers Are Trying To Force You Back Into The Office

AS WORKERS continue to return to the office on a phased basis, some employees remain resistant to a return citing a variety of factors including improved productivity, increased job satisfaction, the lack of a commute, getting to wear pyjamas all the time and getting to do their work time shits in their own toilet.

However, many businesses are relentless in their bid to coax employees back without it devolving into acrimonious emails and HR intervention. Today, it emerged some companies are using secretive and underhanded methods to force workers back – WWN has the full list of such tactics below, sound familiar?

Have hi-vis clad construction workers begun hammering away at 7am each morning outside your home, assaulting your ears until 5.30pm? They may have been hired by your employer.

Is your quiet estate or apartment block, once an idyllic centre of Zen and calm, now troubled by young lads doing donuts and drag races in their Mitzi turbos at all hours? Take a closer look – that’s the transition year intern on work experience, he’s being paid under the table, petrol money included, to make working from home unbearable.

Has your nose recently been attacked by strong pungent wafts of the smelliest food known to man? Like they’re cooking with all the windows open? Do your own clothes, sofas and beds smell like a takeaway at 3am? There’s a strong chance your neighbours have taken a bribe from your boss.

Is your doorbell constantly buzzing with a delivery man patiently waiting to give you between 1 and 57 packages for No. 46 across the way who are currently out? Do you have to sign for them individually? Stop, think for a second – your estate doesn’t even have a number 46, does it?

Has the quality of the coffee at that hipster container around the corner from your house suddenly plummeted? You know the one you go to on the sly around 10.30 every morning when you should be working? Surely, your employer couldn’t have switched out the almond milk for full fat diary? Those evil bastards.

And in the most obvious ploy to get you back, your boss has basically threatened you with the sack. But on the plus side, the office is going to be so, so, so much craic now one of the conference rooms has been renamed the ‘chillout room’ and has a secondhand game of Scrabble with 8 missing letter tiles!