Ireland May Need To Start Burning Petes If Energy Crisis Worsens

THE government has issued a stark warning to every Peter, Pete, Petey and Pete-Joe in the country, stating that they may be incinerated in specially constructed Pete-burning facilities if the looming energy crisis is as bad as predicted.

Ireland is currently phasing out the last of the nation’s peat-burning power plants as part of their commitments to tackle climate change, but there are fears that soaring energy prices and blackouts may force them to reopen with Pete-burning modifications which, experts believe, will be ‘much greener’.

“Particularly if you’re burning a chap called Peter Green,” said a spokesperson for the government’s environmental team, “and of course, this scheme will remove a large number of people from society, which means fewer cars on the road, less air travel, less food to produce, less waste generated – it’s a great way to keep the lights on in the data centres, and we suppose, people’s homes too”.

The news has struck fear into the Peters of the land, many of whom were criticised for their selfish unwillingness to help save the planet by allowing themselves to be used as a carbon-neutral source of fuel.

“Are you certain that solar or nuclear energy isn’t a solution here?” asked one delusional Pete we spoke to, as he went about changing his name to Thomas in a bid to save himself from the incinerator.

Meanwhile the government has defended spending millions on importing Petes from other countries when there’s perfectly good Petes here at the minute, as another container-load of Piotrs arrived from eastern Europe today.