Trial Nightclub Event Expected To Have 60% Cocaine Capacity

MINISTER for Tourism, Arts and Sport, Catherine Martin has confirmed that a trial nightclub event due to take place as part of Ireland’s roadmap towards reopening will have cocaine capacity of 60%, with a further 10% allocation for pure base MDMA crystal.

“We advise revelers to take tiny bumps no bigger than the tip of their little fingernail as both the coke and madman at this event will be top quality and sure to slap the fucking jaw off of you like an uppercut from a jacked up 19-year-old Mike Tyson,” Minister Martin advised in a bid to quell fears that the lower capacity venue will be zero craic.

The trial nightclub will be heavily monitored by state officials, guaranteeing a no expense spared night out for those in attendance.

“We’ve sourced the cocaine from the Columbian embassy who have reassured us it is top drawer stuff, mixed 6:4, or 60% proof, so get your skates on as this will be a belter of a night and day after, all going good and we can find a decent house session afterwards,” Martin added, insisting the event needs to feel as ‘normal as possible’.

“To make it feel like the real deal, we’ve hired an extra 10 thousand people to queue for food and taxis to loiter around outside the venue when we kick everybody out at half two in the morning,” she explained, “we’re also putting one single garda and paramedic on standby to give it the real feel of a Saturday night on the town”.