We Travel To Joe Rogan’s Nightmare Future Where Being A Straight White Man Is Illegal


RECENTLY, Joe Rogan posited a future where straight white men will not even be allowed to speak, in a recent episode of his podcast which Spotify paid $100 million for exclusive streaming rights for the show on which he speaks.

A comment aimed at keeping his audience hooked into a fever dream of anger fueled by the fabricated and overblown threat of ‘wokeness’ that can only be solved by listening to his podcast, or is it a deadly fate awaiting us all?

Studying Rogan’s brain activity while he was asleep at the state of the art Sleep Solutions research lab in Austin, Texas, WWN was able to observe the nightmarish future that haunts him when he sleeps, here’s the hell that awaits all straight white males:

The year is 2025 (but truthfully we’re already living it). Straight white males have their mouths sewn shut at birth by purple haired non-binary nurses who want to compete in the women’s weightlifting events at the Olympics despite having been born with a penis.

Thousands of men with missing hands roam the streets, the victims of a punishment for daring to hold a door open for a woman.

Daily privilege scans are performed on cis white males by scanning a barcode all white males are now tattooed with. If excess privilege is found (it always is), a white male remains banned from speaking. Once a year, they can appeal their ban through mime and if successful they are granted one sentence which is to be spoken directly into a hole in the ground.

Joe is one of the lucky ones, he escaped to the Elon Musk’s man cave on Mars, other were not so fortunate. However, due to The Great Cis Silencing, it is illegal for an episode of The Joe Rogan Experience to run over 60 minutes in length.

Men, now mostly confined to windowless cells which only closely resemble their parent’s spare room, are subjected to hours and hours of relentless and uninvited womansplaining on a range of subjects such as UFC, Comedy, weed, Covid-19, Libertarianism and other subjects women have little understanding of.

Alex Jones isn’t even allowed harass the parents of the victims Sandy Hook school shooting anymore.

From the age of 18 white men are drained of all semen before being neutered, with all sperm going to interracial gay couples who want to use a surrogate to start a family.

The Cancel Culture Industrial Complex receives $2 trillion every year from the US government thanks to President Ocasio Cortez, who restricted the voting age to transgender lesbian refugees only.

All jokes must be vetted by direct descendants of slaves before being uploaded on Twitter. White men must be the punchline of every joke.

The pledge of allegiance has been replaced in schools by the Morning Apology, during which cis white men apologise for existing. The national anthem is now Cardi B’s WAP.

NEXT WEEK: We explore if reactionary clickbait articles goading you into getting annoyed about something Joe Rogan said, while lucrative and fertile ground for websites, might be the bigger problem.