‘Ex-Councillor Murder Charge, Fraud, IRA Murderer Celebration’ Sinn Féin Admit They’ve Had Better Days


AFTER recently getting the better of hyperbolic journalists losing their minds over Sinn Féin voter data storage issues which it turns out all parties are at, Sinn Féin admit they’ve had better days amid a pile up of unwelcome news stories today.

“We hoped to remove the Derry Sinn Féin leadership that has failed the local community on the quiet without reminding people ‘oh yeah, didn’t a SF Senator receive £10,000 in a Stormont Covid-19 grant for which she was ineligible’, but it turns out you can’t have dodgy members without it being unfairly pointed out,” confirmed a spokesperson, of an Irish Examiner report detailing leadership change.

However, Sinn Féin was more bullish about the news that their former councillor Jonathan Dowdall, in jail for the false imprisonment and waterboarding of someone, being charged today with the Regency Hotel shooting as reported by every news outlet.

“Our critics are always like ‘ah the old Sinn Féin/IRA’ but this lad wasn’t even affiliated with any former IRA elements, he’s just a bit of psycho who has connections to the Hutch gang, so ha! There, no IRA connect! Checkmate Sinn Féin!” said one member, basking in the near perfect recruitment policy for election candidates, which remains flawless.

Elsewhere, the party were also expressing their regret over a poorly thought out commemoration for murdered IRA murderer Seamus McElwaine, believed to be responsible for the attempted murder of Arlene Foster’s father, as reported by the Irish Independent.

“Eh no we weren’t, how could that be perceived as anything other than a completely normal thing to be doing. Really, are things that PC mad now you can’t honour and exalt a man who allegedly killed at least 10 people?” clarified a spokesperson.

“Right, Christ, what a day! If any of you get wind of Paddy Holohan even thinking about recording a new podcast episode, unplug the microphone, that’d round off a perfect fucking day alright,” an irritated Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald informed party members.