Minister For Health Has Genius Idea To Buy More Vaccines


ANNOUNCING his intention to ask a task force to look into the possibilities pertaining to the practicalities of the procurement of extra vaccines supplies outside of the existing EU supply deal, a frankly disappointed Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly hoped the rest of the country could get their heads out of their asses and help him every once in a while.

“Stephen’s a one man Covid-solving band, he has to come up with all these ingenious solutions like ‘buy more vaccines’ himself, and you know, this would all be a lot easier if other people opened their mouths for once and offered up ideas and solutions to problems he pretends don’t exist,” confirmed a spokesperson for the minister.

“Oh it’s all well and good acting like you’d do a better job, but tell me this, would you have the vision to cut 300 newly qualified doctors from the health service in the middle of a pandemic as will happen in July? No, but do you know who has that vision? Grandmaster Egghead,” added a spokesperson.

In response to the news that the latest 7-day vaccine target was missed by some 20,000 people the HSE announced they will now count them over an 8-day period to better hide failures while the minister explores none of the options available to increase numbers.

“People are so bad honestly, at this rate I think Stephen’s going to have to nominate himself for a Nobel Peace Prize,” concluded the spokesperson.

Despite frustrations the public has admitted to developing a grudging respect for the minister.

“I don’t like to speak poorly of people, no wait, that’s I lie – I just think we’d do better if we had a minister of health who wasn’t as useless as a chocolate teapot that has the ego the size of a small country,” shared one member of the public.

Elsewhere, government TDs complaining about the government’s slow rollout of the vaccination programme have been politely reminded they are the fucking government.