Local Man Thought He’d Be Thrown Through At Least One Window In Lifetime


THE lack of saloon fights, car chases and general fist-based action in his life has begun to wear on Waterford man Derek Atkins, who has crested the ripe old age of 45 without once fending off a bar full of bad guys using just a broken pool cue.

“Curse my soft, scar-free body” mused Atkins, slowly realising that documentaries he watched as a young man such as The A-Team and Knight Rider may have lied to him about how many times a regular human being may be defenestrated in the course of a lifetime.

“I have not thrown someone through a window, nor have I myself been thrown through a window. Not only that, I have not voluntarily jumped through a window, either by choice or out of desperation in some hectic escape bid. All my train journeys have been on the inside of the train. Never slid across a bonnet. I feel cheated”.

Atkins is among thousands of middle aged men who feel their lives lack an excitement and thrill promised to them by decades of action on television and movies, men who are currently struggling to come to terms with the fact that they will never utter the perfect one-liner before dropping a bad guy with a left hook.

“This is just, I mean, it’s… what’s the word I’m looking for, you know what I mean, don’t you?” uttered Atkins, perfect one-liners escaping him yet again, before standing up too quickly from the sofa and throwing his back out yet again.