Priests Perform Socially Distanced Ash Wednesday Services With Innovative ‘Finger On A Pole’ Device


WORRIED that you were going to be have to kick off your Lent without a reminder that you are but dust and unto dust you shall return? well fear not, as a quick-thinking Waterford priest has devised a novel solution for administering ashes in a socially distanced manner.

“I call it the long finger” beamed Father Augustus McNamara, proudly showing off an ‘ashing device’ made from four broom handles duct-taped together with a rubber index finger stapled to the end of it.

“I can ash a forehead from 20 feet away. The other end of it rests on a little claw thing like a snooker cue would, and the parishioner just steps up and bam; one cross, no fuss. Deadly!”.

Joking that this wasn’t the first long finger the church has put things on, Fr. McNamara went on to discuss how he wouldn’t be patenting his device, leaving it free for others to copy in a bid to ensure maximum ashage, minimum red tape.

“This is my gift to the world” he exclaimed, while parishioners wearing suitable eye protection lined up to get their foreheads smudged.

“And yeah, it doesn’t give you that nice defined cross that you could get with your thumb, but it’ll do for now. It cuts down on illegal, unregulated back-alley ashing, that’s for sure. Without this, you wouldn’t know where people would be getting ashes, or what was in them. Protestant ashes, you never know”.

Fr. McNamara also took us through his prototype for a socially-distanced baptism device, which currently consists of a water balloon filled with holy water and a lady’s bra tied between two trees.