Local Man Regretting Basing Entire Personality On Going To Pubs

THE decision to centre every facet of his existence around the culture of drinking is a hen that has certainly come home to roost for Waterford man Ciaran Toher, following the closure of all pubs and parties in the wake of the coronavirus pandemic.

“In hindsight, I should definitely have had at least one past time that didn’t revolve around being among a large group of people in a venue that sells alcohol” mused Toher, facing into yet another week of doing nothing except googling ‘when are level 5 restrictions ending’.

“The annoying thing about all this coronavirus thing is that if the pubs were open, I’d have so much craic talking about it all, the restrictions, the masks, the government, the whole lot. I suppose I could chat with my pals about it anyway, but what’s the point if you’re not getting locked at the same time?”.

Sensing his mounting frustration at not being able to do the one thing in life he loves doing, Toher’s friends have encouraged him to take up a new hobby during the long months of lockdown, with the following results.

Sea swimming: Deemed ‘too cold’, which would not be so bad if ‘you were able to go straight to a pub with a snug for a few whiskies to warm you back up’.

Playing an instrument: Toher has declared that no music he could play would ever stand up to the sweet sounds of some lad with a keyboard in a pub on a Friday night banging out ‘Cracklin’ Rosie’.

Learn a new language: Declared ‘pointless’ as Toher has no holiday plans this year and already knows how to order Carlsberg in four different languages.

Meet new people, potentially a partner to spend life with: ‘Ah you’d need a few pints in you for that’.